Ripped but not Torn: The Michael Bag Speaks

G’day, g’day, how ya goin’?  Yeah, my name is The Michael Bag; I just got off Ucharonidge Station and boy was it a cunt.  It fucked my shit up.  Have you ever spent an hour in a washing machine filled with mineralized bore water?  I have, it sucks.  Have your constant companions been dirty clothes; or your method of travel the back of a truck, next to a flea-bitten cunt of a dog named Patches (or Poochie if he’s being a fuckwit)?  Where once my colors were vibrant, and my skin intact — they are now dull and fissured.  It happens, I guess.  To quote the GOAT, Phil Jackson, “Impermanence is a fundamental fact of life.”  Scientifically, they call it entropy.  Second law of thermodynamics if you want to get technical — or sound like an asshole.  So here we go, I’ve been around a bit, and this gimpy Mexican keeps on nagging me to tell my story.  What the hell.

I’ve been partners with McGill a.k.a. Mackers a.k.a. McDank a.k.a. Mcadinfinitum for a minute now, since 1995 I think.  His first name is Michael, and that happens to be stitched on my body, so there’s the connection.  A perfect match.  McGill treated me well, though he never got over the fact there is no orange on my body.  Orange is his favorite color, and I got the generic bullshit: red, yellow, green, and blue.  How daring!  Whatever, get over it McGill. We’d go kick it at Andy Keyt’s house, Dale’s pad, and I spent many nights in Ritchie Martori’s smelly room.  They’d go be fuckwits, and I’d chill.  It worked.

Around 2001, I got a sabbatical.  Someone gave McGill this bigger Diamondbacks bag, which started to get first-team minutes.  Fine with me, I’d been grinding for a few years and welcomed the break.  Me and the other closet items spent a lot of time together…in the dark.  The next few years were golden, didn’t have to work too hard.  Only an odd trip out of town, fresh digs.  In 2007, McGill went to the Middle East, but I got picked over for this soulless black rolling suitcase.  He needed to carry a bunch of stupid shit that he never used.

2008 was a good year. The Michael Bag made a comeback.  I was snoozing comfortably in McGill’s closet at DZ69, when McGill’s backpack got stolen from his car one evening!  He left the doors unlocked and the next morning it was gone.  Probably some lowlife eight-year old.  I don’t know why anyone would have wanted it, piece of shit was falling apart.  I got called up to the big leagues and his ass got Wally-Pipped!  I got to be the man at ASU, carryin’ McGill’s books and homework.  The college bitches loved me, as usual.  It was a solid move by Mackers.

McGill and I were tight.  I got to go to D.C., smoking in the trunk with the other bags.  FPC was chill, forest air does a Michael Bag good.  McGill did some travelling those years, and I went along.  Then he told me we were gonna do it up big.  We were going Down Under.  I told him I’d been down under plenty of times, it wasn’t no thang.

“No, you fucking idiot,” he said.  “We’re going to Australia.  For a year.”

Well holy shit, that’s some news!  Pack me up, Mackers.  Off we went, doing a bit of nothing for a month, then he told me to get my shit together.  We’re off to the Outback: land of kangaroos, Slim Dusty, and the wild black fellas.

So we went out to the station.  Jack-of-all-trades that I am, I became the hamper for McGill.  No worries, until he started stuffing me with clothes he wore in the cattle yards, or jeans black with oil.  Man, I don’t want to smell that shit all day!  I’m not sure McGill made the connection, but that might have been payback.  You see, a few months earlier, there was this gin on the station, Joyce.  She was shacking up with this contractor who was there for a while; name was Rob can’t remember what he did.  Well, I overheard McGill’s friend Scott saying the best way to get a gin is to offer them some beer (or grog, as he put it).

While Mackers is away, da bitches will play.  Joyce came in and it was a sure thing.  Used the beer McGill had in the fridge.  While he was pulling weeds in the garden, The Michael Bag was riding the gin.  He’d come back in complaining about how stupid the kids were and their dumbass questions, and boy was it a challenge holding it together.  To top it off, I got McGill in a spot of trouble too!  I told Joyce my name was Michael (something I’ve learned, never tell a gin your full name), so one night, Rob and Joyce had a fight, and Joyce let it all out.  “Yeah, well I was rooting Michael!  In the schoolhouse!”  Attagirl.  Poor Mackers had to deal with the stigma of being a gin-rooter.  Sheree, the manager’s wife, even called him “gin jockey” a few times.  When the old man, Pat, told the visiting stock-camp jackaroos about his exploits, McGill lost it.  “PAT’S A GODDAMN LIAR, I DIDN’T FUCK JOYCE. I’M 23 AND NOT SOME BROKEN-DOWN OLD MAN WHO HAS TO ROOT GINS!!”  As Gujo would say, “Ha haaaaaaaaaa!!”

I went to Thailand with Mackers; all I can say is Thai girls are dirty bitches.

After the station, we dicked around Australia for a month and a half.  Whenever we’d travel, I’d get stuffed full of his clothes and other things.  Maybe he suspected, but I’m an old bag, I can’t take that shit!  So, I started to rip, especially after all those bore-water baths.  We got stateside and I held it down in McGill’s corner nice and good.  He told me to not piss off Stoph, or James, or Pick because this chick may come over, and she’d have some fine luggage.  Girl never showed, got sick or something.

Now I’m back in Phoenix, chawllin’ and ballin’ in McGill’s closet.  His roommate Oscar appreciates me more than most have.   What up, Nut!  So we’ll see if this story goes anywhere, either way it’s cool.  To the girls I rooted reading this, don’t try to find me.  You won’t.  I told you I wasn’t paying for shit even if you get seeded; you knew the count when we fucked.  McGill’s got my back too, you ain’t got a chance. You know that line from the Sweet Tooth Crew song, “Swipe that V” where McDank says, “I been to 20 countries, got 200 kids.  Ain’t seen one of them in person, just YouTube vids!”  Well world, you can thank me for that one, and that’s the damn truth. From one Bag to another, peace…

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For Whom the Phone Rings

The Arizona Suns at their very own victory parade.

If the phone rings, will you answer?  Faced by the inevitable unforeseen occurrence, how will you react?  They say the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.  Will you shrink from uncertainty into obscurity, or boldly lift the receiver and demand to know who dares?  Brock Seraphin posed this to the slumbering players in Room 322, dialing their room before the sixth hour.  The phone rang once; sleep was shattered.  The phone rang twice; realization dawned.  The phone rang a third. Mikey Etchart answered the phone and Team Arizona answered the call.

The annual Calizona Summer Series was conceived in the gray recesses of Oscar Borboa’s mind.  The premise was elegantly simple.  A gang of friends is split into two geographic groups.  Both groups look to Naismith’s game as their preferred form of sanitized combat.  It only follows that these two groups should face off in a mutually-accepted arena.  They would play for one another and their state.  It was an idea destined to gain form.
Palm Springs was the agreed-upon location for the series.  The two teams would arrive Friday night, head to their respective hotel rooms, talk strategy and get rest for the next day.  Tipoff was at 8 a.m. on Saturday at Ruth Hardy Park, an oasis amidst the Mojave Desert.  The teams would play four games in the morning, and if necessary, finish the best-of-seven series under the eyes of the setting sun.  Games to 15, scored in increments of one and two.

The two teams arrived early, ready to play.  Team California was at the court first, the Bear Flag posted on the hoop’s pole.  They wore matching gray sleeveless shirts, adorned with ‘CA’ off-center and on the bottom, in the avant-garde manner.  James Eastman used his artistic talents and added a frightening depiction of an enraged amphibian, labeled simply as “Beast,” one of his many monikers.  That day, Eastman did his best Willis Reed impression.  Three weeks prior, he suffered a horrific accident, falling from a tree and landing flat on his back after descending fifteen feet.  The collision between the hard-packed earth and his inflexible spine – occurring at over thirty feet per second – cracked a vertebrae.  Undeterred, Eastman started for his home state, and played through pain few can comprehend.

As Cali conducted their shootaround on the north end, Team Arizona appeared.  Dressed in purple and black Phoenix Suns jerseys worn by the glorious 1990’s teams, they walked by their opponents without a word.  Oscar Borboa pressed play on Bone Thugs n Harmony: Greatest Hits.  I planted the Arizona flag.  Andy Etchart got wet.  The two teams lined up, California grabbed (literally) the opening tip, and a thick stillness covered the court.

California opened the scoring on a layup from Garrett Masciel.  The teams traded baskets early and CA held a 3-2 advantage. CA left two players hovering by the three-point line on offense, thwarting any Arizona breakaways.  Arizona had difficulties scoring as well.  Cali packed the paint and used their length to seal any gaps in the defense.  They had neutralized Arizona’s game-plan of drives to the basket and transition buckets.

The score stayed the same for over a dozen possessions as defense was stalwart on both ends.  Bring the ball into the lane and you were liable to leave without it.  Ryan Pickering used his bevy of post moves and pump fakes to score on layups and fadeaways.  Oscar Borboa directed traffic for AZ on offense, setting up his younger brother for scoring opportunities.  Brock Seraphin battled Bo Mitchell on the blocks.  With the score knotted at six, Bo stepped behind the arc and canned a straightaway two.  This put the Zonies up briefly before California roared back with four unanswered points.  But Arizona would not be denied and finished the game strong, winning 15-12.

The teams split and hydrated.  After a brief rest, play resumed.  Arizona scored two quick baskets before California could answer.  Tied at three, I scored with a running left-handed drive, prompting a run to put Zona up by 4.  Scores by Mueller, Masciel, and Pickering brought the count to 12-11.  Momentum belonged to California.  Arizona had the ball, perilously perched on their lead.

In basketball, the difference between going up 2-0 or splitting the first two games is monumental.  Down 2-0, the trailing team must win four of the next five, a tall order for a team evenly matched against its opponents.  After a split, the first two games are rendered moot; both participants start evenly in a race to win three more.  It is incredibly infrequent for a team in a two-deep hole to claw their way de profundis.

The Arizona Suns circled the ball around the perimeter, working it inside and out.  California’s defense was stout; the way was shut.  Andy Etchart held the rock and passed it to me as I came open near the top of the key.  Seeing the basket clearly, I rose and released.  I thought of my woefully subpar week of training on the Goodyear courts – embarrassed on defense, hesitant on offense.  The ball spun in the air as I heard Andy say “Come on Michael.”  The bank was open, the ball caromed off the backboard and through the net.  “Show me the Carfax!!” I hollered running down the court.  “C’mon guys!  One more stop!” Bellowed Oscar Borboa.  A defensive stop followed by a putback for Arizona ended the game.

Game three bore no similarities to the other contests.  During the break, Oscar told his teammates “This is Game seven right now; we win here and it’s over.  Bring it.”  On the first possession, Alonzo Borboa stripped the ball from Chris Mueller, outraced another CA defender and scored the game’s first point.  After another basket by Arizona and miss by Cali, Andy Etchart held the ball.  California had made the decision to change defenses, dropping the man-to-man they had played for the first two games in favor of a 2-3 zone.  Etchart faked left, crossed over and sliced into the lane.  Stopping a few feet from the basket, he flipped in an uncontested floater.  He returned to the defensive end, announcing to the world “The middle of that zone is WIDE open!”  For the Cali boys, the game unraveled shortly after.  Up 5-3, Mikey Etchart and Alonzo Borboa nailed consecutive twos which ignited a 9-1 run by the Copper State crew.  Final score: 15-5.
How did Edmund Hillary feel as he stared at the summit of Everest from its base?  What about Shadow in Homeward Bound as he stared up at Chance and Sassy from his muddy pit?  What does one do when he finds himself in a pit? Lie down and whimper?  Though the climb be steep and treacherous, the only recourse is to shove violently against adversity, to fling aside the wet blanket of suffocating defeat, to rage against the dying of the light.  There can be honor in defeat, but none in surrender.

The men of California came out firing for game four.  Quick baskets by Mueller and quick hands on defense staked them to an early lead.  Kyle Bergland came alive, scoring on three straight possessions. He mixed drives to the basket with offensive rebounds and putbacks, forging his side to a 7-2 lead.  His fire earned praise from a sidelined Eastman.

Two baskets by Arizona later, I had the ball at the elbow.  With a bit of daylight, I rose up and shot the ball.  I misfired and instead of hitting solid pavement, my left foot landed on the unsteady surface of Stoph’s.  My ankle rolled, I felt a crack and the too-familiar surge of fire up my leg.  I yelped in pain as I fell to the ground, followed by a wail of anguish and frustration knowing my day on the court was over.  Kyle Bergland and Garrett Masciel immediately got me to my feet and walked me off the court.  Andy provided a bag of ice and play resumed.

It was to be the first of many injuries during the game.  Arizona was down 8-4 as I watched from the bench while Kyle continued to score against defenders, putting the entire state onto his broad shoulders.  Pickering and Brock Seraphin began scoring, sharing the load as the California sun beat mercilessly on the Arizona Suns.  Points for Arizona became difficult as Cali reverted to their game-one form, reminiscent of the 2004 Detroit Pistons.  Baseline drives were smothered and players could forget about using the lane.  On the defensive end, Bo Mitchell began a series of escalating battles against Pickering and Seraphin.  Things came to a head as he battled for a rebound against Bergland.  While leaping for the ball, Kyle inadvertently stuck his ring finger through the gauge hole in Bo’s ear.  The lobe held, but his finger left with a piece of Bo’s scalp.  The two began roaring at one another as blood flowed down Bo’s neck.  Play stopped as teammates administered to his skull and did their best to stop the bleeding.  The score stood 12-9 in favor of California.

The break served Arizona well.  They played with renewed fervor.  Young Mikey Etchart slapped the ball away from a taller Masciel, preventing the entry pass.  Oscar scored a driving layup to cut the deficit to two.  On Cali’s next possession, Bergland held the ball near the top of the key.  A collision between him and Pickering dislodged the pill and sent it rolling briskly toward the sideline.  Players, sapped of strength from two solid hours of running, jumping, cussing, and shoving watched resignedly.  All except Bo Mitchell.  With a burst of speed, he corralled the loose ball a hair before it crossed the sideline.  With mere inches to spare before his bare arms scraped hot asphalt, he pushed the ball into the path of an acutely aware Nut.  The older Borboa seized possession and passed the ball to a trailing teammate. The deficit stood at a single point.  Bo’s hustle has been seared into the memories of everyone who watched.  A turnover forced by invigorated defense led to a three-on-one break, tying the game at 12.  After another AZ hoop, Pickering pivoted and pirouetted his way to a difficult basket, tying the game at 13.

Previously on this website, Brock Seraphin defined the concept of wetness, the deceptively difficult ability to score the basketball.  When taking a shot, innumerable things can distract the shooter and prevent the union of ball and net.  He wrote, “The resulting swish or brick is a matter of confidence.  Nay, it is a matter of mindlessness.  For the scorer, nothing exists but the sensual touch between porous leather and sweaty flesh.”  In Team AZ’s hotel room the night before, a tired Alonzo sat slumped on the bed.  While the rest of the team exchanged guffaws and bedded down, Alonzo gazed into a future only he could see.  “Man, I’m gonna fuck people up tomorrow.”  He repeated this statement multiple times.  He foresaw.

The elder Borboa brought the ball up for Arizona.  He passed it to Zo near the top of the key.  Alonzo used a screen to break free of Mueller’s defense.  He squared his body to the basket, eyes narrowed to focus the reflected light more forcefully onto his retinas.  He jumps and fires.  The backboard blocks my view of the ball as it makes its heavenly journey.  The next thing I saw was beautiful.  Straight through the net, a perfect brown sphere dropped.  The game was over, the series was over.  We had won.

I hobbled onto the court and embraced Oscar.  Alonzo received a well-deserved ice bath from the Brothers Etchart.  The hours spent at Goodyear Park, the suicides following hours of games, the 6 a.m. practices at ISP culminated in a long-awaited victory for ourselves and our state.

For the rest of the weekend, the two teams fused.  Ryan Pickering defeated a hyper-patriotic jackass in an underwater breath holding contest.  Oscar Borboa turned down a chance at reality TV fame, preferring the companionship of his crew.  Kyle Bergland found love and entertained a hard-working commuter waiting at the bus stop.  Brock Seraphin owned the dance floor; the owners of the bar gave it to him out of respect at the end of the night.  Andy Etchart went down swinging against an Asian dealer while Alonzo Borboa did everything in his power to prevent him leaving the safety of the hotel room.  I was rescued by a former opponent from a mob cursing the defilement of their restroom.

Team California had more size and length than we did, but Arizona played together.  Our road to victory was paved with commitment to a common goal and dedication to those wearing purple and black.   California’s attempts at gamesmanship rolled off of us like monsoon rain on a saguaro.  Mikey answered the early call from Brock, and promptly fell back asleep.  The rest of the dusty Arizonans answered their own later.  The Summer Series showed that one’s fiercest opponents can be (in our case, are) one’s most ferocious supporters.  That said, one must rise to defeat the panoply of challenges life throws one’s way.  The general must lead the charge.  As John Donne put down so many years ago:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of a continent, a part of the main;…therefore never send to know for whom the phone rings; it rings for thee.

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Game 4: The California Beast Chronicles

The Cali Boyz will undoubtedly be back.

Date: June 25, 2011
Time Stamp: 9:20 AM

I never imagined the Arizona crew would force me to get out my pen & paper this early.  We had brazenly predicted in the safety of our living room that California, the 8th largest economy in the world and home to the majestic redwood, would sweep the series. If it went to anything more, I was supposed to be irresponsibly drunk. I was supposed to rub salt in the wounds of poor, defeated AZ & then douse those lesions with lye.  How could we let them, the state in which half the population has lived longer than George Burns, absolutely destroy us? How could this series be any different than the vast majority of Lakers n’ Suns playoff series?

Presently, hope hangs like a grimy disco ball in a forgotten 70’s discothèque.  If only we can win this game we’ll have the rest of the day to soak our decrepit bones in the pool & ruminate strategy for the final three games.

9:23 –  Game starts.

  • Zo goes on the fast break & delivers a beautiful behind the back dime to McSweat, who finishes with the layup. The play of the tournament.

9:25 – Ryan answers back with a lay up of his own.

  • Brock with the assist.

9: 26 – Brock hits the short bank shot.

  • McTouch responds immediately with another layup.

9:27 – Kyle goes on a tear, scoring two layups in under a minute, giving CA the much-needed lead.

9:28 – Kyle hits the bank shot.

  • AZ starts to show the first signs of frustration, as Kyle seems to be having his way with ol’ McWhore.
  • Bo gets the layup.

9:30 – McCrack goes up for the J & comes down on Chris’ shoe, resulting in a sprained ankle.

  • O-Nut subs in.

9:31 – Kyle cramps up and a timeout is called.

  • Bo is mumbling threats & obscenities after receiving a bear hug from Brock on AZ’s previous possession.
  • One has to worry about the conspicuous lack of scoring by Stoph. Is it the lack of recent 5-on-5 games? Sure, but he also seems to have forgotten to dance, only taking spot-up J’s.
  • Meanwhile, Stick has only one point due to Bo’s defense. C’mon! Get tough Cali.  Close this one out.

9:38 – I missed a few points here.

9:39 – Kyle continues his rampage, hittin the baseline J.

9:40 – Zo makes a layup.

  • Stoph howls, “FUUUUUUCK!”

9:44 – Ryan blocks Nut.

  • Brock yells, “Get that SHIT outta here!”
  • Kyle hits the turnaround bank.

9:45 – Mikey hits the J.

  • Kyle drives and gets the layup. Kyle is truly the lionhearted leader of the CA team at the moment. He is playing fearlessly & aggressively. The rest of the team watches idly.

9:46 – Ryan and Bo tussle under the basket. Once again, Bo takes it personally & calls Ryan a “bitch” among other slurs.  Way to get tough, Ryan.  Keep it up.

9:50 – Mas cramps up and another timeout is called.

9:52 – The score is 9-11 in favor of CA. How ominous.

9:54 – Stoph finally gets his hips movin & hits the step back J.

9:56 – Bo’s skull is bleeding after battling with Kyle for the rebound.  Bo flies into another round of slanders, accusations, and threats. Though a few moments later, while I get visual documentation of the abrasion, he is laughing and in good cheer.

  • According to Kyle, the injury was caused when, trying to shuffle pass the rebound to a teammate, his ring finger went through Bo’s unhealed gauge hole. However, it seems Bo just got scraped by a fingernail.
  • Andy attempts diplomacy.
  • Simultaneously, O-Nut and Zo are discussing whether or not Kyle intentionally hurt Bo and are pondering revenge. Although there seems to be an unspoken understanding that this is an absurd notion, their livid mugs suggest otherwise.

10:01 – Game resumes

10:04 – O-Nut drives and finishes with the layup.

  • Tensions escalate between the Borboa brothers, as they attempt to retake the lead.
  • Nut screams, “let me get to work” at Zo.
  • Zo glares back murderously.

10:05 –While Kyle holds his dribble at the high point, Ryan vacuously drifts towards him like a lemming, eventually knocking Kyle’s dribble off his legs. The ball slowly rolls towards the out of bounds line and Ryan half-heartedly follows it. Bo, in an inspired sprint, overcomes Ryan and saves the ball just before it crosses the line.  By knocking the ball diagonally towards his basket, he enables Nut to retrieve it for a pass and an easy AZ layup.

10:07 – Ryan sort of makes up for the blunder with a layup.

As AZ runs wildly around the court, O-nut rips his shirt off like Brandi Chastain. If only he wore the sports bra, I would know this was the joke I want it to be. Rather, this is very real. California has lost.

Zo deserves the ice bath he just received.  He is undoubtedly the MVP.

Furthermore, I tip my hat to Arizona. You played like a true team. You epitomized commitment & heart.

As for CA, I hope this record serves as a humbling reminder of our embarrassment.  Carry these memories with you like a searing case of the clap so that when the next series rolls around we can play with the passion necessary to teach Arizona a thing or two about the shame of defeat.

In the meantime, I’ll let my broken back heal. When we meet again, I won’t be hiding behind the detached safety of the pen. I’ll be fighting for California.

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2011 Summer Series Picture Gallery

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The Wetness

Wetness is a way of life. It should be practiced from a young age.

It’s about nanoseconds. In the instant between the concept of shot and release, magic happens. Neurons fire, fast twitch muscles jolt, and blood rushes through freeways of veins pushing fingertips into the proverbial cookie jar. The resulting swish or brick is a matter of confidence. Nay, it is a matter of mindlessness. For the scorer, nothing exists but the sensual touch between porous leather and sweaty flesh.

He watches the ball embark on a parabolic arc towards the heavens. The only given is its eventual descent. ExitusReditus. What goes up must come down, much like a post ejaculatory erection.

While we may not be the Michael Jordan (or even the gangly Sean Bradley) of our era, we too can reach the pinnacle of human experience. If I’ve found transcendence, I’ve undoubtedly found it in the release of a perfect shot (all over her jugulars).

Nothing defines manhood like excellence in sport and victory in competition. Well, nothing except that and a pair of testicles. But I digress…

In the moment of perfect release, the chaotic world we’ve learned to call home becomes manageable, if only for a second. In that moment of the perfect shot, we are the masters of our own domain. That domain is www.WetShots.com.

Boy, do I love it when my shot is wet.

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What is the CaliZona Summer Series?

Pick-up basketball is fun for all ages!

What: The 1st Annual CaliZona Summer Series
Where: Palm Springs, Calif.
When: Saturday, June 25, 2011
Who: The Cali Boyz v The Arizona Suns
Why: Because

The CaliZona Summer Series was born of a dream. OK fine, maybe the idea was conceived by a few people after downing a bottle of Old Grand-Dad, but sometimes we all forget the importance of protection. Either way this bastard is almost upon us and it’s high time we make sense of it…

This Saturday 12 individuals will take to the court, but only one team will emerge victorious in this best-of-seven basketball series. To the casual observer, this seems like a petty competition among friends that will have absolutely no effect on anything at all and might be witnessed by a half-mad senior citizen battling hemorrhoids and looking for an excuse to stay on his feet. To those involved, however, this contest will affirm collective manhood (perhaps emasculating the losers for time eternal), firmly establish state superiority, and there’s even a small chance the outcome will decide the fate of the American economy. In short, we’re pretty fucking serious about it.

We will come together in the spirit of competition, and there’s a strong chance blood will be shed (The very presence of Chris Mueller alone probably makes that “strong chance” a “given along the lines of the sun rising in the east.”). Countless hours have been logged in preparation for this weekend — ankles have been snapped, fights have broken out, strategy has been discussed, smack-talking has gone back and forth, gallons of sweat been poured, and even a tree-climbing adventure gone awry have all been a part of the fabric of the Summer Series. Everything comes to a head in less than 24 hours.

The anticipation is almost unbearable.

Just as quickly as it arrived though, the 1st Annual CaliZona Summer Series will too pass. There might be some hard feelings, a few regrets, and more bumps and bruises than a Ryan Dunn-driven joyride but that’s how these things go. By that evening we will revive our bodies in the over-chlorinated pool of a Holiday Inn Express, scarf down an excessive amount of cheap pizza, and drink more booze than is safe or necessary. We reckon that’s a good way to breed a few more wild ideas.

*** Check back soon for picture updates and a re-cap of the weekend’s events.

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It’s All About the Size of the Cock-iness

Big Shot Bob has those brass buttons.

In the world of basketball, the home-court advantage is something of a phenomenon.  At the every level, we all see teams with huge disparities between their home and away win-ratios.  This typically isn’t because of the nooks and crannies of the court only a home player could know, but more the psychology of it.  Whether you are offensive or defensive minded, the drive behind solid play is always rooted in confidence.  Some people parade it around, while others prefer to quietly assassinate their opponent, but if you don’t think you’re better, you won’t be.

Now, there is obviously a fan component as well.  The term 6th man was spawned because they have an effect on the game that is comparable to that of a player.  Some argue more.  How do you think the Trojans, heavily overmatched both strategically and from a sheer numbers perspective, defeated Agamemnon and his army of Greeks?  Two things: home-court fans and Brad Pitt.

The familiarity, the fans, everything that goes into you feeling confident is all in your head.  Your potential for success can boil down to your ability to have brass buttons, and really like the way they look.  From the tipoff, you’re looking to establish and maintain a flow, one totally your own, but also one that syncs with your team’s play.  You can be turned into an unstoppable rebel force.  And essentially everyone who plays competitively has felt, at least for a brief stretch, like nuclear war was the only thing that could stop them.  You were the cockroach of the court.

Some people just don’t do well sometimes though — even when it’s time to rise to the occasion.  They shrink once the pressure hits.  Friends start calling them raisin nuts, and not because they enjoy fiber-rich cereals.  This doesn’t happen as often at home, because the people who can’t even play well at home (unless they are significantly better on the road) usually don’t play for long.  But there are plenty of people who get frazzled by an audience.  And when said audience is rooting for you to fail?  That’ll exacerbate things.

No doubt there are audiences you’ll find on occasion that are excited just to be experiencing high-quality sport, and thus root for the game itself more than any particular team.  But more times than not, you can’t really claim a basketball game with fans has neutrality.  Especially if it’s families, even though they’ll say the opposite.

So in order to really test a man’s (or the wo version) will/skill/savvy/what-have-you/etc/html on the court, you need to eliminate the fans.  And because comfort levels with certain courts can be argued, a truly neutral game is one where the participants haven’t played on the court reasonably often.  These guidelines of course vary in severity depending on the situation and caliber of play.  You can find yourself playing 5’s outside or in a gym but that’s not the same thing.  It’s a test, no doubt, but you could cut ties with everything about it once you’re done.  And since you didn’t prepare for the game, you picked it up, it’s truly erasable from your memory/existence with alcoholic beverages (drink responsibly).   In organized basketball there is a schedule, there are opponents who you know and can scout and tweet mind-games from disguised accounts.  But win or lose, it’s because of that knowledge of your opponent that you’re never going to hide from them.

Now once you get to the neutral site I have carefully crafted, the real fun begins.  The test of teams and of men (and wo version, Title IX).  You might have the best shot of all 10 players, but if someone crawls in your head, you might as well be half a Jared Jeffries.  And if that’s good for you, shame.  Maybe the teams are a crew of Kevin Durant’s, keen on kind and encouraging play.  But without at least one player who can rile some things up and create energizing hype, you’re probably not going to win.  It doesn’t have to be loud, but it has to be clear.

Maybe trash talking isn’t your thing, and that’s cool.  People who yap like they are in the prison yard are not traditionally fun to play with, even though it’s usually fun to observe.  But even if you’re the most polite modern gentleman of our era, there is a piece of you that wants to win, and make a statement doing so.  You can either be the master of few words, silently putting your opponent to rest with a plaster face on.  Or you can run your mouth, like Sheed intended.

True champions know themselves and what’s going to make them perform best.  Sometimes you have to evaluate the effect your approach has on your team, and adjust accordingly.  But the teams that win have that figured out, and can operate on the same wavelength, regardless of conflicting personalities.
Every single team that has won the NBA championship has had at least one player who talked up himself and his teammates, or down on the opponents.  I don’t think any team has won with a majority of the players like this (imagine a bunch of Rodman’s out there, nothing would ever get done) but without a Truth or two, you probably lack the ‘tude necessary to win.  And if you don’t believe me, think about how crucial these guys were to their teams when they won it all:
2011: Jason Terry, Deshawn Stevenson
2010: Kobe Bryant, Artest
2009: Bryant, Bryant’s twat
2008: Garnett, Pierce
2007: Bowen, Horry
2006: Shaq, Gary Payton (and don’t you tell me the Glove wasn’t important here)
2005: Bowen, Horry
2004: Sheed, Ben Wallace (his face talks shit, even if his mouth isn’t moving)
2003: Stephen Jackson, Bruce Bowen
2000-’02: Primarily Shaq, a budding Bryant, and Horry

And the list goes on.  As you might notice, those are some good players, who all talked shit at some point or another during their winning season.  They knew the right times and places to carefully place their jabs, and they went out “walking the talk”.

As long as you can leave this situation and no one’s said anything bad about each other’s mothers, I can think of very few healthier exercises in the world of sports.  There are no excuses, unless everyone uses the same one.  In which case they are whiners so screw them.  You are battling for a territory, and more-so, rivalry supremacy.  Team-wide and hopefully a handful of singular wars will be waged during this, and indelible scars will be left to show the ruin lain on the defeated.

May you find yourself on the right side of the battle.

Posted in 2011 CaliZona Summer Series | 1 Comment